Mamas aren't born the moment their little one comes into the world, it is a long journey with many paths along the way. We are shaped and molded from the time we decide we want a family one day, reaffirmed the day they are placed in our arms and more developing for decades to come.
Some parts are almost a rite of passage. One in particular, the tradition of passing on advice and crazy stories from one mama to the next. How should we handle this one? Some of the advice is good, some parts just fun to hear another persons journey, some of the advice does work or just merely offers support in a time of need. So I hesitate to give advise to first time parents, but this advice will hopefully be a little different than most.
My advice or lack of
1. Listen and share a like, but set boundaries and know how to say no.
There is something about the power and energy a group of women sharing their stories can send out. It is a fun thing to experience, but there can be a draw back. Negative stories, traumatizing birth experiences, crazy advice that doesn't match your value/belief system and more...What is it about women that makes them think it is OK to over share every crazy thing they hear about when someone they know is pregnant? The best advise I can give on this? There is a great birth education series called HypnoBabies (not to be confused with Hypnobirthing, very different), I saw many patient use this method and then chose it myself after seeing the success rate compared to other child birth education programs out there. One tract and lesson in the series talks about the bubble of peace. It sound ridiculous but when you really think about it, it is the best thing you can do for you and your baby (even adoption and surrogacy parents can practice this). When you start to hear that crazy scary story or get the advise that makes you roll your eyes, it is fun to imagine that bubble of peace and all the negative energy bouncing off, away from you and your baby. Then take a breath and tell the person how you feel, thanks but that is not what I want to hear right now, or I hear you are concerned but we got it covered, or don't worry I know my body better than anyone and this baby, etc. So be apart of the right of passage, feel the amazing loving energy that can come from the talk, but also know you can do this and sticking up for you is a good thing (not to mention good practice for later when baby is here and all the crazy advice and guilt trips you may get, just say no! and know that you are allowed to, even with someone in the medical field.)**I will also say here, help to break the cycle by surrounding the pregnant, expecting or adopting mama with love and support, not crazy stories.
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| a beautiful friend and her rainbow belly |
We once lived in a world where no one questioned our/their bodies. Giving birth was natural just like every other animal on this planet. I love the Ina May Gaskin quotes:
“Remember this, for it is as true and true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.”
"We are the only species of mammal that doubts our ability to give birth. It's profitable to scare women about birth. But let's stop it. I tell women: Your body is not a lemon"
It is no wonder we doubt, with shows like birth story, the news with traumatic stories, your BFF with her own. I never doubted my ability to birth a child naturally, it never even crossed my mind...but I was born a midwife and my perspective is different than most. The only time I was concerned? Well, when my husband put her in my arms and I thought: what did we do? am I going to do this right? what will our first sleepless night be like? and well there is no going back now...
My advice? Ina May should be your guru, "Your body is not a lemon," never doubt your ability, no matter if you carry the child in your own body or not. Yes there are things that can happen and intervention needed, that's why the emergency medical care exist, but still trust your instinct and speak up...this can also help when the decision for an intervention needs to be made, you will feel more at peace about the choice because you were listening to your body and being heard by the people caring for you. You are amazing, you are light, you are powerful and about to care for another tiny human being...this is one of the greatest things you can do, so don't ever say I can't! Say I will, I am awesome and I will own this!
3. Trust your inner voice
This is one you will have to tell yourself over and over again. My husband put his trust in me and my mamasence after a story he heard from a coworker. The family had been in the ER with a MD telling them everything was ok with their little one. The mama pushed and finally got the test she wanted and sure enough it was positive. Another caution here. This is not the, well my friend said or google said voice, insert eye roll and sigh. This is the real deal intuition that we all should be keyed into. In all the babies I delivered there was never a bad one, why? I listened to those amazing goddesses bringing life into the world. If they were off or said something strange I keyed in right away. They knew way before I did (or the monitors if we used them) that something wasn't right. The same with the mamas that came in with their newborns needing help or feeling off. They were always right. You can easily over think this one, second guess. Go with your gut, then talk it out. You know you have a good medical provider when they are willing to listen and make a plan that works for everyone. They also get bonus points from me when they can say they don't know the answer but are willing to search it out.
4. You really don't need all that baby crap
No you don't....you just don't. I know the baby shower is another right of passage, but use your common sense here. The baby wipe warmer problem can be solved with two hands...no literally, rub your hands together and warm the thing up, or better yet use cloth. It is so easy to get sucked into all the gear, that is the point of the industry and what they want. Our grandparents lived long, (more) healthy lives and were born at home, co-sleepers or slept in a draw and never had all the extra crap that they try to push on a young family. Even better? when baby comes home and you start to figure out what you do need, send the new grandparents and in laws out to buy it. They will be out of your hair for a bit and feel like they are helping/needed. Seriously don't cave, it only gets worse...your siblings that don't have kids will buy you the biggest, loudest, most obnoxious toy ever and then you suddenly have a houseful of stuff you can't store the first Christmas after they are born...o and the kiddo is only interested in the box. The more stuff we get the less we want, there is something to be said about the simple life, but that is a great topic for later.
5. Take care of you, it will spill over on to your partner and kiddo(s)
I hope this one is obvious, but if not don't worry we will discuss this more later. For now, take the nap, drink the wine, color the book, take the bath, go shopping on their birthday (hey let's be real until they are 18 the birthday is really about the mom), say I love you more, don't settle for sweat pants, buy a pair of matching undergarments, shinny lip gloss and go on a date with your partner. O and read, a lot (I have a list of great books for later), keep learning never stop growing.
6. Be mindful, practice gratitude, because this to moves too fast and may never happen again
Everyone says it, but yes you blink and they are almost 4 and while you type a blog post you are staring at minion party favors and menu list. Before you know it, they walk, talk, paint you a picture, take the bus to school, you remember the toddler years of your second but think humm about how exactly it happened when the first one did it, or planning for number three turns into years of infertility, or you forget the way they looked/sounded/smelled while doing that silly thing they did. I remember being pregnant with the said soon to be 4 year old, taking belly pictures (above) on the back deck, rubbing my belly and thinking, I need to enjoy this, every moment, because it might not happen again and every baby is so different. I went back in the house, sat with my husband on the sofa and told him my thoughts...he agreed and said you never know we may not want more children or maybe we can't. I remember the feeling I had in that moment, then brushed it off, smiled and said of course we will have more, I can feel it. I am glad I have that memory, that moment and feelings. I am glad I took the time to write the big events/stages down, for me it is another way to touch/feel and relive it. Mindfulness helps us to cultivate gratitude and thus create the happiness we all crave in life. There is no textbook way to do this one, find your own way, make a new tradition and lots of memories.
7. Take lots of pictures, and make sure you are in them
Because you will look for a picture one day to see what you looked like holding, playing loving your kiddos and not find one. Even if you feel silly, frumpy, not so hot that day...take the picture show your kids how to make memories and what family is about. They love looking at pictures from when they were little, they will ask where you are. Take the pictures, tell them lots of stories and watch their face light up to know you love them and knew them from the beginning.
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| Source: http://iheartinspiration.com/quotes/im-so-crafy-i-make-people-2/ |
We all do this...you want to make something cute for the little one or come up with an idea to make an every day task easier. You don't have to make 100 and sell them on etsy...If it turns into a passion great, if it is your calling even better, but don't forget what first brought you there, not to mention the above #4 people really don't need all that baby crap so lets stop adding to it. Instead, keep your day job, or stay home with the baby, either way just love, laugh, enjoy, breath do more of #6 & 7. Trust me I went there, opened the etsy shop and everything, then it became a chore instead of fun. I did have time to develop my photography though, but that has always been a passion and my work got better as our family grew, as I grew and learned how to be creative (but I didn't try to sell it to everyone). Motherhood brings out that creative side, tap into it, explore those once was passions and interest...this could be away to accomplish #5. Whatever you decided to do, make it fit you and your core family, not what your (outside) family, friends, church or neighbors think is best for you...mama knows best (#3)
9. People will tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, listen to them, the dishes will get done eventually...In other words let your body heal (even in case of adoption or surrogacy, stress is the worst on your body) and stop to smell the roses. Explore healthy eating, exercises that fits your needs, and the best way to nap in only 20 mins.
10. You are enough.
You are amazing, a goddess, you are made of stars and born from the ocean (in more ways then one...did you know amniotic fluid is the same salt concentration as the ocean?!? no wonder it calls to us, heals us every time we go it's shores). There is no should of -could of- would of's here. No judgment, evil thoughts in your head, mean mamas making you feel guilty...You, just you the way you are is enough. You are exactly where you should be on this journey, see where it takes you, keep growing and loving, but know you are enough. Cue One Direction song and turn it up loud...now start dancing and celebrating how amazing you are.
So that's it, my "advise," what do you think? What is some of the best advise you received as a new parent? Have a beautiful weekend!
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