The adventure I will not be reliving...

Spring clover was so green and deep this year

    

    Spring break was an interesting one this year.  The Friday it started my brain was already mush from weeks of no sleep.  We had an impromptu dinner with two neighboring families.  Half the things I said made no sense, and a few interesting glances confirmed it.  A trip away started the next day, followed by three nights of no sleep and then a parenting challenge.  Though we figured out how to handle the situation, in the middle of it I realized how done my brain was.  A few more days later and I send a PM on IG to a friend and it makes no sense...on rereading it, it even seems mean, just not me.  I apologized, but realized the brain fog was worse than I thought.

    I first experienced "adrenal fatigue" when our second was 20months old. Lots of stress from a family situation and a baby/toddler that didn't like sleep.  I researched, I applied everything that felt right for me, followed my intuition and healed it.  I remember telling my husband how I have to always incorporate smoothies and yoga in my life from then on...that was 7 years ago. Then twins, I don't think I need to explain that one, we moved when they were 3.5months old to a rental with lots of boxes and then again when they were 18months old.  I managed the fatigue well considering everything going on.  Occasional brain fog, lots of lost sleep, exercise was really hard.  There was always times of recovery, I deepened my gratitude practice, and saw the beauty in everything.

    I made a commitment to finish projects and to get back to what is important.  The last time I slept, without interruption and woke feeling rested was 6 months ago, and before that over a year.  That day was amazing, I did everything and didn't want to stop!  I keep it in my mind to remember it is possible and I will make it back there.  Celery juice and a bunch of great herbals do help...but there is a lot that is different this time.

    I don't like excuses, I grow up with too many, and I know I can do it all.  I wanted to share what it feels like so people understand, so others can find the help they need and to have accountability for the discipline I need moving forward.  I stopped drinking smoothies when it got cold, yoga just didn't feel right, I am so far in my head all day long that I am constantly thinking about the next thing on the todo list instead of being present.  This is not a self care issue, I am sure I will get messages on that one.  The latest research shows "adrenal fatigue" as a multisystem occurrence, down to a cellular/mitochondrial level.  It is so hard to find where to cut in on the cycle, like so many chronic illnesses today.  This is not a post about what causes it and all the things I have done or tell clients to try...It is time for me to stop treating everyone else first this time (I will keep repeating it is not a selfcare issue, it is deeper and a healer related thing I will write about later).

    This time it was so different.  It snuck up on me.  It is the heavy true brain fog that can be mistaken for cognitive issues.  I can have a paragraph in my head and the moment I try to say the words it all falls apart, it is so thick, and then I am left there wondering why the words came out that way and if the person I said them to will be able to understand why it happened when I apologize for the 10th+ time.  My body feels great 90% of the time, I am training with my husband and friends for the memorial day #MurphChallenge2021, I feel stronger for the first time in a long time.  The fatigue, waking between 2:30-3:30 were hard, and after last week have caused some tears.  The normal hair loss that comes, didn't, It has actually grown back, but it is normally delayed so we will see next week.  So much of my body feels great, but my brain is done.  I think it is a lot of different things this time, but the lack of sleep triggered the regression and brain fog.  It feels so much like burn out, which is interesting when I think of other healthcare workers and moms in the middle of the storm.  I can see how easy it is to confuse the two, when we can get defensive when people tell us we just need a break, to meditate, have "self care" time, etc.  My from of selfcare is not the same as what mom bloggers deem correct in todays age...but that is for another time. Already I am reading back my words wondering if this even makes sense, adding in may make this all fall apart and no one will be able to follow it...but then I think it needs to just stay that way, authentic to the moment and my experience.

 So a picture and another thought...

    I think it is ok to go through cycles in life, we come out better off in the end.  The top picture is our wisteria before we left on our trip, before two unexpected low temp nights.  It is late in the year for a freeze here, though frost happens often until May.  The one side was almost full bloom and the other we thought would be ready when we returned.  We came home to them all dead, looking freezer burned and growth stopped mid bloom.  A week later, three small flower bunches and leaves coming through.  This year there will be a fraction of the invasive seeds, though beautiful this 25+ year old vine has probably cause a lot of damage over the years in neighboring woods (since moving here we try to contain the seeds/pods the best we can but we can't get every one).  Nature knows when it needs a break.  It knows when to flower, or our dying (normal life cycle) pines know when to cone, the clover to fill the fields for the nitrogen and flowers for the bees, the freeze that helps the cycle, the wind that calms or fuels the cycles, the rain that restores, on and on.  I need to get out of my own way, stop overthinking, play, sit in the silence, make the todo list smaller, breath deeper, allow people to do things, even if it is not my way, stop volunteering to help, sit in my garden, let my intuition flow 100% instead of 40.  I am working on reconnecting my mind, body and spirit, breaking the habit of waking, decreasing my cortisol levels and more.  This is more a post about naming it so it is real, not an excuse, but a letting go.  Thank you for your patients with my words, I know I will find them again, along with a few other things that have lost their way.  For now I send you lots of love and light on your own healing journey.

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