The adventure I will not be reliving...

Spring clover was so green and deep this year

    

    Spring break was an interesting one this year.  The Friday it started my brain was already mush from weeks of no sleep.  We had an impromptu dinner with two neighboring families.  Half the things I said made no sense, and a few interesting glances confirmed it.  A trip away started the next day, followed by three nights of no sleep and then a parenting challenge.  Though we figured out how to handle the situation, in the middle of it I realized how done my brain was.  A few more days later and I send a PM on IG to a friend and it makes no sense...on rereading it, it even seems mean, just not me.  I apologized, but realized the brain fog was worse than I thought.

    I first experienced "adrenal fatigue" when our second was 20months old. Lots of stress from a family situation and a baby/toddler that didn't like sleep.  I researched, I applied everything that felt right for me, followed my intuition and healed it.  I remember telling my husband how I have to always incorporate smoothies and yoga in my life from then on...that was 7 years ago. Then twins, I don't think I need to explain that one, we moved when they were 3.5months old to a rental with lots of boxes and then again when they were 18months old.  I managed the fatigue well considering everything going on.  Occasional brain fog, lots of lost sleep, exercise was really hard.  There was always times of recovery, I deepened my gratitude practice, and saw the beauty in everything.

    I made a commitment to finish projects and to get back to what is important.  The last time I slept, without interruption and woke feeling rested was 6 months ago, and before that over a year.  That day was amazing, I did everything and didn't want to stop!  I keep it in my mind to remember it is possible and I will make it back there.  Celery juice and a bunch of great herbals do help...but there is a lot that is different this time.

    I don't like excuses, I grow up with too many, and I know I can do it all.  I wanted to share what it feels like so people understand, so others can find the help they need and to have accountability for the discipline I need moving forward.  I stopped drinking smoothies when it got cold, yoga just didn't feel right, I am so far in my head all day long that I am constantly thinking about the next thing on the todo list instead of being present.  This is not a self care issue, I am sure I will get messages on that one.  The latest research shows "adrenal fatigue" as a multisystem occurrence, down to a cellular/mitochondrial level.  It is so hard to find where to cut in on the cycle, like so many chronic illnesses today.  This is not a post about what causes it and all the things I have done or tell clients to try...It is time for me to stop treating everyone else first this time (I will keep repeating it is not a selfcare issue, it is deeper and a healer related thing I will write about later).

    This time it was so different.  It snuck up on me.  It is the heavy true brain fog that can be mistaken for cognitive issues.  I can have a paragraph in my head and the moment I try to say the words it all falls apart, it is so thick, and then I am left there wondering why the words came out that way and if the person I said them to will be able to understand why it happened when I apologize for the 10th+ time.  My body feels great 90% of the time, I am training with my husband and friends for the memorial day #MurphChallenge2021, I feel stronger for the first time in a long time.  The fatigue, waking between 2:30-3:30 were hard, and after last week have caused some tears.  The normal hair loss that comes, didn't, It has actually grown back, but it is normally delayed so we will see next week.  So much of my body feels great, but my brain is done.  I think it is a lot of different things this time, but the lack of sleep triggered the regression and brain fog.  It feels so much like burn out, which is interesting when I think of other healthcare workers and moms in the middle of the storm.  I can see how easy it is to confuse the two, when we can get defensive when people tell us we just need a break, to meditate, have "self care" time, etc.  My from of selfcare is not the same as what mom bloggers deem correct in todays age...but that is for another time. Already I am reading back my words wondering if this even makes sense, adding in may make this all fall apart and no one will be able to follow it...but then I think it needs to just stay that way, authentic to the moment and my experience.

 So a picture and another thought...

    I think it is ok to go through cycles in life, we come out better off in the end.  The top picture is our wisteria before we left on our trip, before two unexpected low temp nights.  It is late in the year for a freeze here, though frost happens often until May.  The one side was almost full bloom and the other we thought would be ready when we returned.  We came home to them all dead, looking freezer burned and growth stopped mid bloom.  A week later, three small flower bunches and leaves coming through.  This year there will be a fraction of the invasive seeds, though beautiful this 25+ year old vine has probably cause a lot of damage over the years in neighboring woods (since moving here we try to contain the seeds/pods the best we can but we can't get every one).  Nature knows when it needs a break.  It knows when to flower, or our dying (normal life cycle) pines know when to cone, the clover to fill the fields for the nitrogen and flowers for the bees, the freeze that helps the cycle, the wind that calms or fuels the cycles, the rain that restores, on and on.  I need to get out of my own way, stop overthinking, play, sit in the silence, make the todo list smaller, breath deeper, allow people to do things, even if it is not my way, stop volunteering to help, sit in my garden, let my intuition flow 100% instead of 40.  I am working on reconnecting my mind, body and spirit, breaking the habit of waking, decreasing my cortisol levels and more.  This is more a post about naming it so it is real, not an excuse, but a letting go.  Thank you for your patients with my words, I know I will find them again, along with a few other things that have lost their way.  For now I send you lots of love and light on your own healing journey.

                                                                                                                                               Always...

The Pendulum

 The Pendulum swings

    One way than the other
    it settles in the middle
    at one point or another

Black to White,
Red swings to Blue
I see gray and purple
    pushing through

Color, what is this expression our world shows us,
    in such beauty and splendor?

Waves of different lengths all trying to be seen,
    to express their beauty and true nature

But, what they don't see?
    If they would join together,
    how strong and pure their light will be

White light, bright light, light worker, 
    truth seeker, speak life, speak truth,
    see every color as one Rainbow

A Rainbow...

The upside down arch of the Pendulum
    from one end to the other
How do we turn into one Rainbow,
    to drowned out the noise and love one another?

Apart, we are waves that radiate from source, a myriad of color
How do we find our way through the darkness
How do we find our way back

Back to Source, 

Back to truth,
Back to the light
    Pure, white light, a collection of all colors

Back to each other
Back to the middle way
    When does the Pendulum stop swinging?
Back to Mother earth
Back to our roots, 
    grounding, whole, our ancestors 

To be seen, to be heard and in that, 
    our true authentic self acknowledged 
That is all we truly want, acknowledgement...

One human to another
    hands, head, heart, whole being, bowing to say 
    "I see You, I honor You"
Your purpose is not mine
Your opinion is not mine
But
   

     "I See You"

I want a conversation

     not a world full of one sided opinions and noise.

So much noise, 
    can we break through?
    not drowned it out but push past?
    quiet the storm and see the Rainbow at the end?

When will the Pendulum settle?
    When will the noise stop and the voices become one?

Why do we keep repeating history but pointing back and asking
    How did they ever accept that ?
Where do we go from here?

How do I change the world, when I feel it is too much?
    but if I don't who will?
    Where will we be?

I go Home...

The Pendulum stops
    When we stop...
Stop the noise,
    Listen
Stop the lies,
    Listen
Stop the "busyness",
    Listen

Stop the excuses,

    Listen
Stop the need to be heard and
    Listen, to our own voice
We yell at them to hear us, but do we really hear us?  
Do we care?
What would we think of our own words if we 
    stopped to... 

    Listen?

The Swing, the arch, the noise...

It settles in the middle.
    My upside down Rainbow is a cup, a bowl, an offering
I collect all the noise into one tightly woven bowl, I offer it up and give it back to source.
    I am Free

We come from Source
We will return 
When the Pendulum settles...
White light
bright light
    made from all the colors
We are one

I choose the middle way, 
    I see you, 
    Will you choose to see me?

The Pendulum, the Rainbow
Love, hope, grace, compassion, 
    Change, the Pendulum of existence...

    

     begins and ends with me. 

Namaste,

Cristin

It has taken me almost 40 years, but...

     Confession and Commitment Time

     4 months away from 40 and last week I finally accepted something I have been pondering since spring.  I don't owe anyone an explanation, excuse, reason, data to back it, a dissertation, thesis or autobiography.

   

     I come from a family that is always ready with an excuse, quite often good ones mind you, but excuses nonetheless.  Why have I pondered this so much lately?  I know some insanely smart women, if you look at their degrees or compare our GPAs, by mainstream definition, they would surpass me or my fellow clinically smart colleagues.  I believe common sense, critical thinking and reasoning skills outweigh memorization and the ability to conform to the group's understanding of modern concepts.

    These insanely smart women could have done so many powerful things in the last 6 months, but they've chosen to conform.  I will never forget learning about group think for the first time, hearing how it could have been prevented, trying to understand how a whole group of people could smile, nod and say yes; and not one person could stand up and say the group/leader/system was wrong.  I think of the lives that could be saved if that one person would just say something.  But I get it.  For most of my life, especially mom life (I'm guessing many of the moms out there can relate), I felt obligated to give an excuse or especially an explanation for my actions/choices, beliefs, attendance, my children's actions, the list goes on.  It is easier to just conform, to not use our beautiful brain and critical thinking skills.

    I've talked to my husband a lot about it over the last two years... Why is it that a man with less education than I, can state a belief and someone believes it without a dissertation, but when I make the same recommendation, everyone wants cited credible references.  My countless hours of research and credentials matter nothing compared to an engineer, doctor or lawyer that is good at remembering a lot of dates and numbers, but can't tell you how to apply any of that information.  We would talk, he would give me an engineer's explanation of why the numbers were important, but then couldn't explain to me why the man version had more credibility over mine... One thing that did seem to matter is that I practice what I preach.  Instead of just saying it, I should do it.  Now these are my words, and something I have known for years now, but this time hearing it from him in a different light made sense.  As an example, if I am going to teach someone all the science behind exercise I better look like I apply that knowledge.  If I am going to help women get healthy through diet and lifestyle change, I better be able to tell them how it has helped my daily life or what my routine looks like.

Winter homesteading 

Sumer Homestead lady

    I need to hold myself accountable and have more discipline in the area of self care, but I don't owe anyone an explanation or an excuse...there is a difference though, and so many entwine the two.  I have to show up for myself everyday, I have work to do, I will constantly improve and grow, but that doesn't mean I need to explain it to the world when I miss the mark (set way to high by unrealistic society standards).  This journey is mine, I will honor yours and not push my belief on you, and commit to self care, accountability and more discipline in this new decade of life.
   

    If you want to change the world, go home and love your family. -Mother Teresa.

    So what is your point, your turning 40, people don't listen to you, you lost me...
I have lost confidence in myself and my knowing (not the book stuff but the real stuff our intuition and source tells us).  I can blame it on other's reactions to what I say or do, but that is an excuse.  No amount of education can replace critical thinking, common sense and most importantly, following your intuition.  I have never regretted following my gut, but most defiantly regretted the choices I made because I felt pressure to follow the mainstream.  I need my confidence back, I need to be the most authentic me and I won't let the words of a book smart friend/family/stranger take it away from me again.  I will be kind and true to me, but this is a hidden boundary I have lacked in my life and boundaries are beautiful things.

    I finally, at almost 40, understand the power of this word...Fuck it, Fuck off, What the Fuck, Fucking ridiculous, I mean I could go on.  I use to feel the word as so angry and hostile...now...it feels releasing, though nothing to do with it's original meaning.  I doesn't matter what you think of me, my education, my background, misspelled words, my values or beliefs.  There is one exception to this rule, as I tell my children, I have to be doing the right think always, in other words, living my purpose.  You have every right to tell me if I have done something to offend you, I want to know, I want to make it right, I want to grow/change/be a better human.  If I am always doing the right thing, then I know what is best for my family not you.  I know what is best for my body, not you and especially not a system that's only interest is profit.  You will not make me feel terrible for my choices, I will no longer stay quite when you try to make me, I do not need to cite every reference because I am a "tiny" women (true story)...which by the way fuck that and just watch what I can do...I am strong, I am powerful, I am light, I am a healer, a truth seeker, and this...

Xavier Dgba

    So here I am 4 months from 40, committing to myself, growing my confidence, playing more, spreading love and light, my health and wellbeing, reaching more, healing more, growing my garden and homestead, and not judging myself based on your standards.  I see the beauty in you, I say a blessing that you will find that moment on your journey when you have a choice to be awake or fall back to sleep, and you choose the light.  Namaste y'all, I honor you and send you light.  

Cheers to turning 40 <3

These pictures were hard to post, I don't show me...another thing I am practicing...