Confession and Commitment Time
4 months away from 40 and last week I finally accepted something I have been pondering since spring. I don't owe anyone an explanation, excuse, reason, data to back it, a dissertation, thesis or autobiography.
I come from a family that is always ready with an excuse, quite often good ones mind you, but excuses nonetheless. Why have I pondered this so much lately? I know some insanely smart women, if you look at their degrees or compare our GPAs, by mainstream definition, they would surpass me or my fellow clinically smart colleagues. I believe common sense, critical thinking and reasoning skills outweigh memorization and the ability to conform to the group's understanding of modern concepts.
These insanely smart women could have done so many powerful things in the last 6 months, but they've chosen to conform. I will never forget learning about group think for the first time, hearing how it could have been prevented, trying to understand how a whole group of people could smile, nod and say yes; and not one person could stand up and say the group/leader/system was wrong. I think of the lives that could be saved if that one person would just say something. But I get it. For most of my life, especially mom life (I'm guessing many of the moms out there can relate), I felt obligated to give an excuse or especially an explanation for my actions/choices, beliefs, attendance, my children's actions, the list goes on. It is easier to just conform, to not use our beautiful brain and critical thinking skills.
I've talked to my husband a lot about it over the last two years... Why is it that a man with less education than I, can state a belief and someone believes it without a dissertation, but when I make the same recommendation, everyone wants cited credible references. My countless hours of research and credentials matter nothing compared to an engineer, doctor or lawyer that is good at remembering a lot of dates and numbers, but can't tell you how to apply any of that information. We would talk, he would give me an engineer's explanation of why the numbers were important, but then couldn't explain to me why the man version had more credibility over mine... One thing that did seem to matter is that I practice what I preach. Instead of just saying it, I should do it. Now these are my words, and something I have known for years now, but this time hearing it from him in a different light made sense. As an example, if I am going to teach someone all the science behind exercise I better look like I apply that knowledge. If I am going to help women get healthy through diet and lifestyle change, I better be able to tell them how it has helped my daily life or what my routine looks like.
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| Winter homesteading |
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| Sumer Homestead lady |
I need to hold myself accountable and have more discipline in the area of self care, but I don't owe anyone an explanation or an excuse...there is a difference though, and so many entwine the two. I have to show up for myself everyday, I have work to do, I will constantly improve and grow, but that doesn't mean I need to explain it to the world when I miss the mark (set way to high by unrealistic society standards). This journey is mine, I will honor yours and not push my belief on you, and commit to self care, accountability and more discipline in this new decade of life.
If you want to change the world, go home and love your family. -Mother Teresa.
So what is your point, your turning 40, people don't listen to you, you lost me...
I have lost confidence in myself and my knowing (not the book stuff but the real stuff our intuition and source tells us). I can blame it on other's reactions to what I say or do, but that is an excuse. No amount of education can replace critical thinking, common sense and most importantly, following your intuition. I have never regretted following my gut, but most defiantly regretted the choices I made because I felt pressure to follow the mainstream. I need my confidence back, I need to be the most authentic me and I won't let the words of a book smart friend/family/stranger take it away from me again. I will be kind and true to me, but this is a hidden boundary I have lacked in my life and boundaries are beautiful things.
I finally, at almost 40, understand the power of this word...Fuck it, Fuck off, What the Fuck, Fucking ridiculous, I mean I could go on. I use to feel the word as so angry and hostile...now...it feels releasing, though nothing to do with it's original meaning. I doesn't matter what you think of me, my education, my background, misspelled words, my values or beliefs. There is one exception to this rule, as I tell my children, I have to be doing the right think always, in other words, living my purpose. You have every right to tell me if I have done something to offend you, I want to know, I want to make it right, I want to grow/change/be a better human. If I am always doing the right thing, then I know what is best for my family not you. I know what is best for my body, not you and especially not a system that's only interest is profit. You will not make me feel terrible for my choices, I will no longer stay quite when you try to make me, I do not need to cite every reference because I am a "tiny" women (true story)...which by the way fuck that and just watch what I can do...I am strong, I am powerful, I am light, I am a healer, a truth seeker, and this...
So here I am 4 months from 40, committing to myself, growing my confidence, playing more, spreading love and light, my health and wellbeing, reaching more, healing more, growing my garden and homestead, and not judging myself based on your standards. I see the beauty in you, I say a blessing that you will find that moment on your journey when you have a choice to be awake or fall back to sleep, and you choose the light. Namaste y'all, I honor you and send you light. Cheers to turning 40 <3
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| These pictures were hard to post, I don't show me...another thing I am practicing... |
