The adventure I will not be reliving...

Spring clover was so green and deep this year

    

    Spring break was an interesting one this year.  The Friday it started my brain was already mush from weeks of no sleep.  We had an impromptu dinner with two neighboring families.  Half the things I said made no sense, and a few interesting glances confirmed it.  A trip away started the next day, followed by three nights of no sleep and then a parenting challenge.  Though we figured out how to handle the situation, in the middle of it I realized how done my brain was.  A few more days later and I send a PM on IG to a friend and it makes no sense...on rereading it, it even seems mean, just not me.  I apologized, but realized the brain fog was worse than I thought.

    I first experienced "adrenal fatigue" when our second was 20months old. Lots of stress from a family situation and a baby/toddler that didn't like sleep.  I researched, I applied everything that felt right for me, followed my intuition and healed it.  I remember telling my husband how I have to always incorporate smoothies and yoga in my life from then on...that was 7 years ago. Then twins, I don't think I need to explain that one, we moved when they were 3.5months old to a rental with lots of boxes and then again when they were 18months old.  I managed the fatigue well considering everything going on.  Occasional brain fog, lots of lost sleep, exercise was really hard.  There was always times of recovery, I deepened my gratitude practice, and saw the beauty in everything.

    I made a commitment to finish projects and to get back to what is important.  The last time I slept, without interruption and woke feeling rested was 6 months ago, and before that over a year.  That day was amazing, I did everything and didn't want to stop!  I keep it in my mind to remember it is possible and I will make it back there.  Celery juice and a bunch of great herbals do help...but there is a lot that is different this time.

    I don't like excuses, I grow up with too many, and I know I can do it all.  I wanted to share what it feels like so people understand, so others can find the help they need and to have accountability for the discipline I need moving forward.  I stopped drinking smoothies when it got cold, yoga just didn't feel right, I am so far in my head all day long that I am constantly thinking about the next thing on the todo list instead of being present.  This is not a self care issue, I am sure I will get messages on that one.  The latest research shows "adrenal fatigue" as a multisystem occurrence, down to a cellular/mitochondrial level.  It is so hard to find where to cut in on the cycle, like so many chronic illnesses today.  This is not a post about what causes it and all the things I have done or tell clients to try...It is time for me to stop treating everyone else first this time (I will keep repeating it is not a selfcare issue, it is deeper and a healer related thing I will write about later).

    This time it was so different.  It snuck up on me.  It is the heavy true brain fog that can be mistaken for cognitive issues.  I can have a paragraph in my head and the moment I try to say the words it all falls apart, it is so thick, and then I am left there wondering why the words came out that way and if the person I said them to will be able to understand why it happened when I apologize for the 10th+ time.  My body feels great 90% of the time, I am training with my husband and friends for the memorial day #MurphChallenge2021, I feel stronger for the first time in a long time.  The fatigue, waking between 2:30-3:30 were hard, and after last week have caused some tears.  The normal hair loss that comes, didn't, It has actually grown back, but it is normally delayed so we will see next week.  So much of my body feels great, but my brain is done.  I think it is a lot of different things this time, but the lack of sleep triggered the regression and brain fog.  It feels so much like burn out, which is interesting when I think of other healthcare workers and moms in the middle of the storm.  I can see how easy it is to confuse the two, when we can get defensive when people tell us we just need a break, to meditate, have "self care" time, etc.  My from of selfcare is not the same as what mom bloggers deem correct in todays age...but that is for another time. Already I am reading back my words wondering if this even makes sense, adding in may make this all fall apart and no one will be able to follow it...but then I think it needs to just stay that way, authentic to the moment and my experience.

 So a picture and another thought...

    I think it is ok to go through cycles in life, we come out better off in the end.  The top picture is our wisteria before we left on our trip, before two unexpected low temp nights.  It is late in the year for a freeze here, though frost happens often until May.  The one side was almost full bloom and the other we thought would be ready when we returned.  We came home to them all dead, looking freezer burned and growth stopped mid bloom.  A week later, three small flower bunches and leaves coming through.  This year there will be a fraction of the invasive seeds, though beautiful this 25+ year old vine has probably cause a lot of damage over the years in neighboring woods (since moving here we try to contain the seeds/pods the best we can but we can't get every one).  Nature knows when it needs a break.  It knows when to flower, or our dying (normal life cycle) pines know when to cone, the clover to fill the fields for the nitrogen and flowers for the bees, the freeze that helps the cycle, the wind that calms or fuels the cycles, the rain that restores, on and on.  I need to get out of my own way, stop overthinking, play, sit in the silence, make the todo list smaller, breath deeper, allow people to do things, even if it is not my way, stop volunteering to help, sit in my garden, let my intuition flow 100% instead of 40.  I am working on reconnecting my mind, body and spirit, breaking the habit of waking, decreasing my cortisol levels and more.  This is more a post about naming it so it is real, not an excuse, but a letting go.  Thank you for your patients with my words, I know I will find them again, along with a few other things that have lost their way.  For now I send you lots of love and light on your own healing journey.

                                                                                                                                               Always...

Crossing off the list...

-Teaching them (kiddos) mindfulness and stress management

You may have noticed this one on my 2016 Goals post, you may have thought it was interesting, or why do you need to teach your 4 and 51/2 year old stress management?  Let me explain...

I grew up on country roads, four wheeling, camping, boating, fishing, tubing, small town, cheerleader, happy and lots of good memories.  At the time, and for the most part now, my childhood seemed normal...it is only when I tell someone a story, that I realize how crazy and stressful life was.  From high school and through college (and even now)  my family dynamics changed with a family member suffering from mental illness diagnosis and everything that goes with it.  There was a lot of stress, I remember not wanting to go home in the summer from college two years in a row, but I managed to handle it well.  Then I met my husband, I learned how calm and peaceful life could be, but this brought a down side.

In a great book The Last Best Cure, Donna J. Nakazawa researches the mind body connection and how stress from events long ago can change how our body response to disease and stress later in life.  This connection is something I am well aware of, not only as a midwife, but my own life experience.  I have watched many family members suffer from unknown disease with strange origins, and realized how powerful our minds really are.  Now that I am older, have found peace and find comfort in spiritual growth, I handle stress so differently than I use to.  You would think my hippy zen self could handle it...well this psst year kicked my rump.  So what did I do?  I continued our journey of healthy eating, found new ways to heal through diet, including supporting my adrenals (more on that later), learned to say no and create boundaries ( I am a helper and a fixer, but if people keep taking and I don't fill myself back up there is nothing more I can give, and that helps no one).  I realized that it is like the book talks about, my stress level preset is higher than normal because of life events from earlier years.  Though I handled things well then, anxiety can arise now that triggers a cascade in my body I cannot control.  I know that my genetics say one thing, but I can help control the epigenetics through environment, food and stress management.  Let's leave the genetics for later and get back for my goal for 2016...



So what does this have to do with the kiddos?  I was watching them do yoga one day, while I was in the kitchen cooking and planning out healthy meals for the week.  I have a lot of mindful moments when I am there, it helps me breath, regroup, and see the bigger picture about things.  I heard this voice in my head that said, it is more important to teach them how to be mindful and manage stress than to sweat the small stuff in the kitchen.  It was a big moment for me, it gave me permission to let go of things and to shift my attention to how they are perceiving their environment.  This notion started after my husband and I read a book with a group at church.  The book, How to Raise and Adult, discuses over parenting issues and entitlement in the new generation of young adults and how to break free from it (more on this later).  One of my favorite parts is near the end when the author tells a story about the typical soccer mom doing too much and in the car at practice or a game all the time.  I recommend reading the book, but the moral was, instead of telling our kids what is important why not show them?  If it is exercise then go on a run instead of complaining on the side lines of a soccer game your kid hates to begin with.  No judgment zone here, my oldest loves soccer and one day I am sure we will be there, but right now I play soccer in the yard with her, go on runs, do yoga, dance in the kitchen, show her how to do a cartwheel, laugh a lot, sing loudly, etc.  

They showed me that day, when they asked to do yoga unprompted, that I am doing ok.  I am showing them how to eat well just by doing it not preaching it, I am showing them stress management every time I get on the mat, or take a breath before answering a hard question/conflict, being mindful, trying o so hard to watch what I say and mean it when I do.  I want to teach them stress management and help maintain a low stress point level that will help them later in life.  This won't happen with me telling them what to do, then doing the opposite.  Taking time away from our addiction to busyness, to care for ourselves and see the bigger picture, is a practice we have to grow.  Why not teach them now so they are better equipped to handle life as they grow.

The "balance" so many of use seek is right here, so don't go looking too far...it is in their eyes, actions, our words, gratitude, breath and choices everyday.  Chose to be present even when it sucks, cause the reality is it doesn't.  Out of all the craziness this year our family is closer, stronger and more importantly here.  We are healthy and have each other, growing and learning everyday, I have so much to be thankful for and look forward to.  We are all a work in progress, but once you know better it is time to start doing better.


The Cosmic Kid Yoga Channel  so fun your kids will love it!

Yoga with Adriene  my fav. easy going laid back yogi 

Advise for first time mamas

Mamas aren't born the moment their little one comes into the world, it is a long journey with many paths along the way.  We are shaped and molded from the time we decide we want a family one day, reaffirmed the day they are placed in our arms and more developing for decades to come.
Some parts are almost a rite of passage.  One in particular, the tradition of passing on advice and crazy stories from one mama to the next.  How should we handle this one?  Some of the advice is good, some parts just fun to hear another persons journey, some of the advice does work or just merely offers support in a time of need.  So I hesitate to give advise to first time parents, but this advice will hopefully be a little different than most.

My advice or lack of

1. Listen and share a like, but set boundaries and know how to say no.

    There is something about the power and energy a group of women sharing their stories can send out.  It is a fun thing to experience, but there can be a draw back.  Negative stories, traumatizing birth experiences, crazy advice that doesn't match your value/belief system and more...What is it about women that makes them think it is OK to over share every crazy thing they hear about when someone they know is pregnant?  The best advise I can give on this?  There is a great birth education series called HypnoBabies (not to be confused with Hypnobirthing, very different), I saw many patient use this method and then chose it myself after seeing the success rate compared to other child birth education programs out there.  One tract and lesson in the series talks about the bubble of peace.  It sound ridiculous but when you really think about it, it is the best thing you can do for you and your baby (even adoption and surrogacy parents can practice this).  When you start to hear that crazy scary story or get the advise that makes you roll your eyes, it is fun to imagine that bubble of peace and all the negative energy bouncing off, away from you and your baby. Then take a breath and tell the person how you feel, thanks but that is not what I want to hear right now, or I hear you are concerned but we got it covered, or don't worry I know my body better than anyone and this baby, etc.  So be apart of the right of passage, feel the amazing loving energy that can come from the talk, but also know you can do this and sticking up for you is a good thing (not to mention good practice for later when baby is here and all the crazy advice and guilt trips you may get, just say no! and know that you are allowed to, even with someone in the medical field.)**I will also say here, help to break the cycle by surrounding the pregnant, expecting or adopting mama with love and support, not crazy stories.

a beautiful friend and her rainbow belly

2.  You are an amazing strong and beautiful women, trust your body (still applies if you are carrying your baby in your heart)

       We once lived in a world where no one questioned our/their bodies.  Giving birth was natural just like every other animal on this planet.  I love the Ina May Gaskin quotes:

“Remember this, for it is as true and true gets:  Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine.  The Creator is not a careless mechanic.  Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.  Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.”

"We are the only species of mammal that doubts our ability to give birth. It's profitable to scare women about birth. But let's stop it. I tell women: Your body is not a lemon"

It is no wonder we doubt, with shows like birth story, the news with traumatic stories, your BFF with her own.  I never doubted my ability to birth a child naturally, it never even crossed my mind...but I was born a midwife and my perspective is different than most.  The only time I was concerned?  Well, when my husband put her in my arms and I thought: what did we do?  am I going to do this right?  what will our first sleepless night be like? and well there is no going back now...

My advice?  Ina May should be your guru, "Your body is not a lemon,"  never doubt your ability, no matter if you carry the child in your own body or not.  Yes there are things that can happen and intervention needed, that's why the emergency medical care exist, but still trust your instinct and speak up...this can also help when the decision for an intervention needs to be made, you will feel more at peace about the choice because you were listening to your body and being heard by the people caring for you.  You are amazing, you are light, you are powerful and about to care for another tiny human being...this is one of the greatest things you can do, so don't ever say I can't!  Say I will, I am awesome and I will own this!

3.  Trust your inner voice
   
      This is one you will have to tell yourself over and over again.  My husband put his trust in me and my mamasence after a story he heard from a coworker.  The family had been in the ER with a MD telling them everything was ok with their little one.  The mama pushed and finally got the test she wanted and sure enough it was positive.  Another caution here.  This is not the, well my friend said or google said voice, insert eye roll and sigh.  This is the real deal intuition that we all should be keyed into.  In all the babies I delivered there was never a bad one, why?  I listened to those amazing goddesses bringing life into the world.  If they were off or said something strange I keyed in right away.  They knew way before I did (or the monitors if we used them) that something wasn't right. The same with the mamas that came in with their newborns needing help or feeling off.  They were always right.  You can easily over think this one, second guess.  Go with your gut, then talk it out.  You know you have a good medical provider when they are willing to listen and make a plan that works for everyone.  They also get bonus points from me when they can say they don't know the answer but are willing to search it out.

4.  You really don't need all that baby crap

       No you don't....you just don't.  I know the baby shower is another right of passage, but use your common sense here.  The baby wipe warmer problem can be solved with two hands...no literally, rub your hands together and warm the thing up, or better yet use cloth.  It is so easy to get sucked into all the gear, that is the point of the industry and what they want.  Our grandparents lived long, (more) healthy lives and were born at home, co-sleepers or slept in a draw and never had all the extra crap that they try to push on a young family.  Even better?  when baby comes home and you start to figure out what you do need, send the new grandparents and in laws out to buy it.  They will be out of your hair for a bit and feel like they are helping/needed.  Seriously don't cave, it only gets worse...your siblings that don't have kids will buy you the biggest, loudest, most obnoxious toy ever and then you suddenly have a houseful of stuff you can't store the first Christmas after they are born...o and the kiddo is only interested in the box.  The more stuff we get the less we want, there is something to be said about the simple life, but that is a great topic for later.

5.  Take care of you, it will spill over on to your partner and kiddo(s)

     I hope this one is obvious, but if not don't worry we will discuss this more later.  For now, take the nap, drink the wine, color the book, take the bath, go shopping on their birthday (hey let's be real until they are 18 the birthday is really about the mom), say I love you more, don't settle for sweat pants, buy a pair of matching undergarments, shinny lip gloss and go on a date with your partner.  O and read, a lot (I have a list of great books for later), keep learning never stop growing.

6.  Be mindful, practice gratitude, because this to moves too fast and may never happen again

     Everyone says it, but yes you blink and they are almost 4 and while you type a blog post you are staring at minion party favors and menu list.  Before you know it, they walk, talk, paint you a picture, take the bus to school, you remember the toddler years of your second but think humm about how exactly it happened when the first one did it, or planning for number three turns into years of infertility, or you forget the way they looked/sounded/smelled while doing that silly thing they did.  I remember being pregnant with the said soon to be 4 year old, taking belly pictures (above) on the back deck, rubbing my belly and thinking, I need to enjoy this, every moment, because it might not happen again and every baby is so different.  I went back in the house, sat with my husband on the sofa and told him my thoughts...he agreed and said you never know we may not want more children or maybe we can't.  I remember the feeling I had in that moment, then brushed it off, smiled and said of course we will have more, I can feel it.  I am glad I have that memory, that moment and feelings.  I am glad I took the time to write the big events/stages down, for me it is another way to touch/feel and relive it.  Mindfulness helps us to cultivate gratitude and thus create the happiness we all crave in life.  There is no textbook way to do this one, find your own way, make a new tradition and lots of memories.

7.  Take lots of pictures, and make sure you are in them

     Because you will look for a picture one day to see what you looked like holding, playing loving your kiddos and not find one.  Even if you feel silly, frumpy, not so hot that day...take the picture show your kids how to make memories and what family is about.  They love looking at pictures from when they were little, they will ask where you are.  Take the pictures, tell them lots of stories and watch their face light up to know you love them and knew them from the beginning.  

Source: http://iheartinspiration.com/quotes/im-so-crafy-i-make-people-2/

8.  It is ok to work, it is ok not to work...just don't think you have to reinvent the wheel or make a million dollars.

     We all do this...you want to make something cute for the little one or come up with an idea to make an every day task easier.  You don't have to make 100 and sell them on etsy...If it turns into a passion great, if it is your calling even better, but don't forget what first brought you there, not to mention the above #4 people really don't need all that baby crap so lets stop adding to it.  Instead, keep your day job, or stay home with the baby, either way just love, laugh, enjoy, breath do more of #6 & 7.  Trust me I went there, opened the etsy shop and everything, then it became a chore instead of fun.  I did have time to develop my photography though, but that has always been a passion and my work got better as our family grew, as I grew and learned how to be creative (but I didn't try to sell it to everyone).  Motherhood brings out that creative side, tap into it, explore those once was passions and interest...this could be away to accomplish #5.  Whatever you decided to do, make it fit you and your core family, not what your (outside) family, friends, church or neighbors think is best for you...mama knows best (#3)

9.  People will tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, listen to them, the dishes will get done eventually...In other words let your body heal (even in case of adoption or surrogacy, stress is the worst on your body) and stop to smell the roses.  Explore healthy eating, exercises that fits your needs, and the best way to nap in only 20 mins.

10.  You are enough.

        You are amazing, a goddess, you are made of stars and born from the ocean (in more ways then one...did you know amniotic fluid is the same salt concentration as the ocean?!?  no wonder it calls to us, heals us every time we go it's shores).  There is no should of -could of- would of's here.  No judgment, evil thoughts in your head, mean mamas making you feel guilty...You, just you the way you are is enough.  You are exactly where you should be on this journey, see where it takes you, keep growing and loving, but know you are enough.  Cue One Direction song and turn it up loud...now start dancing and celebrating how amazing you are.



So that's it, my "advise," what do you think?  What is some of the best advise you received as a new parent?   Have a beautiful weekend! 

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2016 mantras

For the last 5 years or so I have reflected back on my year and realized there was a theme or lesson I was learning.  One year mindfulness, another change and what that means when people won't, learning to say no and set boundaries, and more.  Sometimes that year has a word or phrase that keeps coming up.  This year when wrote down goals I thought a list of mantras that will guide me this year would also be useful.  I will add to it as I go and update as events happen that are worth talking about...

Lake house view

My Mantra list 2016

I have been a seeker and I still am, but I stopped asking the books and the stars. I started listening to the teaching of my soul. - Rumi

I am Light

Create

Every meeting in our lives is in some way orchestrated by a divine force...and the strangers to whom we are drawn have something to teach us  -Dr. Wayne Dyer

trust, listen, awaken

Places or things that help me feel grounded in everyday life

-My kitchen

when i am cooking or doing the dishes I start to notice my breath and mindfulness flows from that space


-Garden, chickens or being outside

  grounding, getting in the dirt, the sun, simplicity, letting go, connecting



-A warm bath, cup of tea or just a few minutes to myself to regroup

Do you have a mantra you follow?  a new one for a new year?  something you hope to focus on or even release?  Share below or on Facebook!  

2016 Goals

To Do List
(in order they can to me as I wrote them in my gratitude journal Jan. 1st)

-Work on my handstand
-More yoga poses
-Connecting to source and self
-Family/Career path decided
-Creativity explored
-Mindfulness explored
-Exercise a priority on the to do list
-Teaching them (kiddos) mindfulness and stress management
-Finishing started projects
-Paint at least once 
-Paint with the kiddos
*Listen more  -to God     -kids       -intuition     -source
                        -husband/BFF/partner/Love 
-More tea dates


Last years goals

-Handstand
-More yoga
-Healthy eating/living, gardening, getting outside
-continuing the 2014 goal of mindful living and exploring what that means
-Managing stress better

Naples, FL celebrating a great man's life.

My list will help guide my writing this year.  I have had so many topics swimming in my head the last three years...hoping to tackle a few.  This picture is how I want to feel and connect everyday.  How about you?  What shapes your year, your list?  What do you want to accomplish in 2016?